Ali Khamenei – Supreme Leader & Chief Scriptwriter of Iran. Some critics complain that he almost functions like a ‘legal’ and ‘licensed’ terrorist sponsor, proudly funding top franchises like Hezbollah, Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and the Houthis—alongside his in-house squad, the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC). Screams ‘resistance’ while hiding in his bunker and fighting Israel with borrowed Palestinian lives. Liberator of Iraqi women—saving them from corrupt Western influence with free to wear mandatory headscarfs and medieval punishments for the misfits, all while reviving Iran’s golden age of thirsty camels, tasty dates, and dancing goats. On a mission to empower future women by setting the legal age for girls being forced into marriage at just 9 years. Oh yeah, 9 years—because rewriting present laws is easier than rewriting history. :) No protests, no dissent, no opposition—what a ‘harmonious’ democracy he runs. Won a seat at the UN Human Rights Council, forcing 'irony' to question its life choices. And don’t be surprised if he lands on the Nobel Peace Prize shortlist—for his ‘championship’ of human rights and peaceful deeds. That way, 'irony' finally gets an opportunity to rest in peace.
António Guterres - UN’s Grandmaster of Virtue Signaling & Selective Outrage. The right wing criticises him as a Gate keeper of Globalists who is eager to be a spokesperson of palestine. A self-proclaimed human rights champion who is often accused of sleeping through the massacre of Hindus in pak and bangladesh and christians in syria, nigeria, sudan, somali, Yemen, libya and snoozes through the genocide of Uighurs in china, Yazidis in Iraq and Syria, Zoroastrians in Iran and mutes himself on Radical Islamist barbarism — but the moment Palestine sneezes, he’s leading the funeral march like a professional mourner on payroll. Spends his days “managing global crises” but somehow, these crises keeps multiplying like rabbits on steroids and breed like roaches on crack. The world is on fire, war zones are expanding, economies are crumbling—but relax, he just issued another strongly worded woke statement. But hey, as long as the elites are clapping, Masters are satisfied, It's mission accomplished!
Barack Obama – The Left's living legend & the Right's Raceful president, Divider-in-chief, Globalists prime messenger and the communists hidden Gem. The Left's ICON and the Right's CON MAN. The world’s most admired person—yet once criticized as a licensed butcher of Libya, Syria, and Yemen. While he preached hope at home, his drones drew screams from other homes. And thus dubbed as 'Libya’s Grim Reaper & Gaddafi’s Soul Keeper' The Left’s Political Messiah and the Right’s American Judas Iscariot. Lover boy of ABC, BBC, CBC, and Washington DC—Never questioned, always protected, and forever erected in the hearts of the press. Beloved mascot of the LGBTQ+. Was Immigration activist in day & Deporter in chief at night. Worked as Chief of race card drivers and Authored the best selling political thriller “Race-Baiting We can believe In.” Famous for his charm, charisma, and drone strike accuracy, earning him a Nobel Peace Prize for his ‘peaceful & inclusive’ Middle Eastern fireworks show. A man of peace, a man of war, a man of hope, a man of deceit, a man of many contradictions—depending on which news channel you watch.
Benjamin Netanyahu - Israel’s PM and comeback customer of the Knesset. The Middle East’s geopolitical axis and ultimate survivor—dodging scandals, elections, corruption charges, ceasefires, and even his own son’s reckless public misadventures and war escapades with equal finesse, and yet the final act is still unwritten. A war hawk to some, a necessary defender to others. Balancing democracy with demolition, diplomacy with drone strikes, and alliances with annexations. His wars carve borders while peace plays dead. Islamists’ supreme infidel, America’s closest ally, and its biggest migraine. "Ha Bibi, ha Bibi, it’s hunting season, baby." Slayer of terrorists, nemesis of Iran, and Hamas’ worst recurring nightmare and forever boogeyman.
Bernard Arnault – The High Priest of Consumer Worship and Emperor of Envy. The man who turned insecurity into a trillion-dollar empire, convincing millions their self-worth comes stitched in overpriced leather. Luxury’s gatekeeper and cult leader in a suit. The Shepherd of "status-hungry sheep" and "look-at-me goats." The ultimate illusionist—proving human obsession knows no limits when stitched in gold. A master tamer convincing his simple-minded sheep they’re shit without his shiny two-letter silhouette. His brands mend egos while wallets bleed dry. A master salesman—cashing in on those desperate enough to wear their worth on their sleeves. His cult of flexers will starve for a handbag, drown in debt for a belt, and sacrifice logic, savings, and sanity—all for a cheap trinket or a two-dollar piece of shit disguised as ‘status fit’—or worse, a financial death wish disguised as a ‘fashion shopping hit.
Bill Gates - Renowned vaccine salesman & World’s Most Profitable Humanitarian. Best buddy of W.H.O. Private Limited and Population control enthusiast, working one jab at a time. A man so obsessed with depopulation, you almost wonder why he hasn’t volunteered himself first. The lefts’ legend and the Rights‘ Self-appointed global pseudo- health guru turned farmland king—because nothing says trust me like the guy controlling both your food & your medicine. Co-Promoter of 2019 horror science fiction movie "FODO - Fear of Dying Out.” A doctor with more medical patents than a pharmaceutical giant—but less medical training than your local subway nurse. A billionaire with a messiah complex and a to-do list that includes your body, your data, and your dinner plate. A billionaire who gives away money and somehow gets richer after every giveaway. From Windows crashes to virus patches, his legacy is clear: first, infect the system, then sell the update or you know :). Life’s certainly quieter these days without a certain “Lolita Express” boarding pass in the picture.
Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo – Mexico’s Progressive Poster Girl & Globalist Diversity Experiment. Mexico’s first female president, the most powerful Jewish woman in Latin America, and the GCG’s ultimate DEI recruit—because nothing screams progress like a climate scientist with a Davos loyalty card. Feminists’ lifeline, Globalists’ hotline, and Macho Mexican men’s stop sign. Leftists adore her, conservatives despise her, and the cartels? Well, they’re just sitting back, sipping tequila, placing bets, and enjoying the real-life season finale of Narcos: Mexico. Trying her best to make the green agenda shine—while the border games blur fast and chaos spins freely. Mexico’s feminist force in an unwilling duel with America’s masculine might. Stay tuned, folks—this shit has all the makings of a Kardashian reality show, but outside the studio, with less lighting and more tequila.
Donald Trump – Honey, it’s all about me. Ego’s huge buddy & McDonald's Mega Mean Mascot. The Mercenary Messiah & America’s Big BADASS president who turned his MUGSHOT into a MAGA shot on a MEGA scale! The Mainstream Media’s Frankenstein, built to be destroyed—but the monster didn’t just survive, it bought the lab and fired the scientists. The Establishment’s lost heir who became its worst nightmare. Politics’ wild child & the greatest comeback kid. Author of the best-selling political campaign book, 'The Art of the Wall'—a tremendous book, by the way, just tremendous, big & beautiful, just like the wall. Right-wing’s unfulfilled fantasy, Left-wing’s imaginary anarchy. Former pie grabber turned professional booty jiggler—or did he evolve into America’s last-standing womanhood protector? You decide, ballot maker. Whoopi Goldberg’s secret crush—I don’t blame her. Who can resist? Tell me, who can resist me? Ah, I know—it’s not her fault. On a woke-slaying mission along with his Diet Coke dude, Elon. Liberals’ living nightmare and Geronimo’s Ghost for the Globalists. Now on a tariff tantrum—proving that if you can’t block ‘em at the border, you can bleed ‘em at the checkout. America’s double-edged sword: its necessary savior or its ultimate Achilles’ heel.
Elon Musk - The Dogefather and EV revolution's Godfather. African American-in-Chief. Population growth evangelist, CEO of many & father of so many. Tech's wild child, politics' current client, and a down-to-Mars maniac. Ego’s distant relative and Diet Coke’s dearest cousin. Free speech crusader—possibly its last man standing—guarding your speech one blue checkmark at a time. Trump’s open supporter and AOC’s secret crush. White House money-laundering watchdog and USAID’s DOGE-Daddy, slamming Capitol cronies and giving it to them DOGE-Y style—fast, cheap, & aggressive—unmasking their grift ‘til they’re twitching in the swamp’s spotlight. Keir Starmer’s pending migraine and, of late, vying for Soros’ post on the right. America’s underpaid, underappreciated plumber—sealing its leaks faster than Congress can spring them, all while fixing the mess for free for some of its most ungrateful souls. On a mission to exterminate the Woke Mind Virus—the most unproductive contagion to ever infect civilization—one meme tweet accompanied by a quick retweet, one policy shift, and one brutal reality check at a time. Currently directing the political thriller: “DOGE – Democrats Officially Getting Exposed.” Finally, I say, a genius that America doesn't deserve or a radical that it desperately needs.
Emmanuel Macron – The Rothschild Rookie and France's youngest president with an old soul. Boy wonder turned globalist darling, churning out more protests than reforms. Macron didn’t just pass the class—he took home the trophy and did it so in presidential style. Founder of wildlife initiative: “Save The Cubs & Cougars."-with firsthand experience in the field. Running side hustles for Ukraine & Palestine, and lately vying for Lebanon’s spokesperson gig. Becoming increasingly critical of Israel & African countries, while trying to make France a little less French. Thinks he's spreading world peace—while personally ensuring his own people get a steady diet of tear gas and pension riots. Currently reading "How to Gain the Whole World and Lose Your Own Soul", and writing "How to fire proof other countries While Burning Down Your Own country”
Friedrich Merz – Germany’s Corporate Chancellor-in-Waiting & BlackRock’s Man in Berlin. Corporate shark in a conservative mask. A CDU boss and former Wall Street errand boy, Merz is the closest thing Germany has to a politician who runs on a stock portfolio instead of a manifesto. An unadulterated globalist dressed as a conservative—talks tough on immigration before elections, but once power winks back at him, he flips faster than a day trader on margin call. Preaches financial responsibility like a priest, but judging by his defense budgets, Ukraine agenda, and globalist undertones, he’s well on his way to ensuring the rich stay richer, the poor stay grateful, and Germany stays “open for business for the immigrants”—but not for the native working class. Author of the political campaign book, 'How to High-Five for Votes & Flip the Middle Finger After the Polls.
Geert Wilders – Denier of Davos and Defender of the Dutch. Holland’s Blonde Bombshell & Brussels’ Worst Blonde Nightmare. A one-man show wonder with balls of steel—more banned than Dutch weed in a Saudi airport and more shadowbanned than the EU’s border policies. A political survivor & prisoner in his own country, living under 24/7 security for the crime of loving his nation and its culture too much. Still standing, despite every hit piece, lawsuit, and fatwa thrown his way. Lover of free speech, enemy of the EU, and a walking hate crime to Brussels bureaucrats. A different kind of political breed for a change—saying it straight to their faces, fighting with words while his enemies counter him with censorship and death threats. The prime antagonist to illegal immigrants and the ultimate haram for Islamists. Currently reading The Truth Shall Set You Free and writing The Dutch Defiance Manifesto. I can't help but say—hats off to you, sir, while some say, don't give up, let those spineless clowns drown and go brown.
George Soros – The Globalist Grandmaster & Founder of the GCG. The Left’s sugar daddy and the Right’s sour grapes. A financial warlord, a man whose wallet moves mountains. He bankrolls revolutions before breakfast and topples economies before lunch. Author of 'How to Rule the World Without Running for Office' Soros has mastered the art of ruling without ever running—an unelected powerbroker whose cash sways thrones while nations play pawns, expertly pulling the strings of his elected marionettes. His influence stretches from Wall Street to the White House, from Brussels to the Bermuda triangles-where economies and elections mysteriously disappear. A sweet dream come true for Deep State Democrats and a living nightmare for right-wing Republicans. A godsend for far-left liberals, the devil's spokesperson for the right wing conservatives. A shadow in daylight, a ghost in the night. If global chaos had a CFO, his signature would be on the checks. The myth, the monster, the messiah, or the man behind the curtain of global power—It all depends on whether you’re cashing the checks or dodging the consequences.
Giorgia Meloni – Italy's first female Prime Minister and India’s mysterious foreign crush, boasting a larger fanbase in India than in Italy. The unapologetic firebrand turning the boot-shaped country into a battleground of Europe'sculture wars. EU liberals' lump in the throat and a migraine for illegal immigrants. Open critic of Macron and secret admirer of Elon. Fighting for Europe’s Christian traditional values as a single, unmarried mother. A shapeshifter—moderate for Brussels and international audiences, but a nationalist and populist livewire on the domestic campaign trail. The Left’s least favored and the Right wing’s damp dream gone daft. She rode the migrant ban blast to power but winks at EU cash in a peek-a-boo dance, making borders flop fast and migrants sneak back in with a blast. Now angling for Europe’s power crown—one ambiguous speech, one side-wink to Ursula, and one bravado tweet at a time.
Greta Thunberg – Climate freelancer and the left's on-demand protester. A Globalists' pint-sized powerhouse and the left's showcase activist, sending shockwaves to climate skeptics while handing carbon titans unlimited exit and arrival passes. A peace-loving activist with a curious soft spot for Hamas—now moonlighting as Palestine’s protest princess and perched atop the Nobel Peace Prize waiting list, blessed by Saint Soros himself. She screams and tweets to save the trees from lithium-powered devices while cursing organic-tasting cows for their premium-scented breeze. A selective outrage on the USA—capitalism’s big carbon beast—gets her howling like a werewolf on a bender. But Russia’s methane-belching permafrost? China’s coal-fogged skies? The Arab states swimming in oil cash while the planet gasps? Her megaphone mysteriously dies—guess the organic lithium batteries ran out somewhere over the Atlantic, proving that hypocrisy has never been more renewable. Currently reading: "How to Be a Useful Idiot for the Useless Morons."
Hillary Clinton - Former U.S. Secretary of State & full-time Trump critic, making sure Trump lives rent-free in her head—after all, she couldn’t afford the White House on her own. America’s first and only 'elected' female presidential nominee — sorry, Kamala, crowns don’t count when they’re just handed over. A permanent member of the GCG and the star director of two episodes hit series "The curse of The Benghazi Witch ." and “The Wandering Wild Witch of the West Wastelands.” A renowned email marketing scholar and the first documented victim of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS—rumor has it, she’s still Patient Zero. Founder of now defunct Charitable trust, “Clinton Benevolent Consulting Service (CBCS))—a charitable trust to help those who couldn’t count their own bodies. Proud owner of Gaddafi’s grave and Intern's memorabilia. Author of two best sellers: "We Came, We Saw, He Died" and "She Came, He Came :), and I Lost."
Javier Milei – President of Argentina. Latin America's latest and the straightest. Argentina’s last lifeline and the left’s worst timeline. World Economic Forum’s worst nightmare and its prime target. A gladiator against Globalists, perched atop GCG’s list of future takedowns. Elon Musk’s bosom buddy, partial inspiration behind Musk’s DOGE obsession, and Donald J. Trump’s brother from another mother. The woke's never-ending horror show and the commoner's rising star. A real economist in power for a change and the author of How to Shock Your Economy Back to Life with a Chainsaw. On a mission to dismantle the state like an anarcho-capitalist rockstar—privatizing faster than Argentina can print pesos. Currently binge-watching How to Train Your Inflation and writing Atlas Revenged.
Jeff Bezos – The bald baron of e-commerce and Earth's richest delivery guy. Architect of the modern shopaholic era & landlord of the cloud. Turned Amazon into the ultimate predatory playground—where sellers thrive until their data is mined, products copied, & brands undercut by Amazon's own knockoffs. His global dark stores grow fat while the local retailers shrink thin. Owner of The Washington Post, capable of delivering instant narratives or same-day propaganda as needed. After stepping back for yachts, rockets & a bombshell, he’s returned to Amazon’s cockpit, drafting: "How to Outsmart AI and Brother-In-Space without losing my invisible crown." Now gearing up for his own extravagant Italian wedding to outbid Ambani’s world’s biggest bash—staging a space-age spectacle to outshine them all. From cloud storage to cloud nine—because when you’ve conquered Earth, the only thing left is space... and maybe one last express delivery of himself to Mars.
Jensen Huang – The godfather of AI hardware & CEO of NVIDIA. The man who pushed "Intel Outside" the chip game and might as well be the guy to push you out of the job game by aiding global companies with his mini mischievous machines on a mass scale. The AI overlord every tech bro secretly worships—partly for his GPUs, mostly for his leather jacket. The silicon kingpin fueling the AI arms race, ensuring gamers pay triple for the privilege of playing in 4K. His chips power dreams while jobs fade to code. When not hoarding TSMC's wafers like a dragon on a gold stash, he’s busy turning every data center into an NVIDIA shrine. Currently plotting world domination, one GPU at a time—because why settle for being the emperor of gaming when you can reign over AI itself?
Joe Biden – Former U.S. namesake president and lost-and-found ice cream man. The usual suspect voted Top Vacationist of the Year four years running, 2021 to 2024. "Come on, man, it’s true! Listen, folks, the fact of the matter is... I didn’t even know I was president and don’t even remember the last time I was on vacation! I told you that Bitch is not our muse and you din't listen. Ah what? I can't hear you. No I dint say that. I said you are not black. OK, I’m done with you all, crazy-ass Americans. Give me a yeffing break." Where are the stairs? They were right here. where did they go? Oh, Kamala took them? Damn Glitch, stop playing with my stuff... Jeez... A Glitching Marionette in the globalists' grand puppet show, jerking and stuttering through speeches like a Wi-Fi router stuck on buffering, proving that even the WEF’s finest engineering can’t fix a malfunctioning mouthpiece.
Kamala Harris – EX Vice President and reigning Word Salad Queen of USA. Early booster’s gal & Ambassador of venn diagrams. America’s first ‘selected’ presidential nominee—sorry, no ballots, just backroom blessings—who almost became its next namesake president. Raised in a neighborhood where houses and people miraculously coexisted—a revelation she proudly shared. Burdened by being the first of many: Brown, Black, Woman, Female, Not Male, Jamaican, African, Indian, south Indian, Asian, Worldian & blissfully unburdened by regular and no so special Americans. Seen as a stuck-up GPS that keeps recalculating—looping the same phrases, taking you in circles, and somehow leaving you more lost than when you started—proving that even Soros genorous venture funding can’t fix a device destined to malfunction. In Trump's language: A Big Bad Bullet that America Beautifully dodged - at least for now.
Keir Starmer (Two-Tier Keir) – Prime Minister of UK. A Woke wonder & Britain’s Bureaucratic Blunder. Seen as a Globalists gatekeeper, who's woke torch glows while free tongues go dark. Critiqued as a two-tier fantasy to some and a life long nightmare to some others. A progressive policy maker with an utter disdain for free speech. More inclined in defending Davos making the British feel betrayed—hence the rallying cry: "Defender of Davos, Betrayer of Britain". Some say he's on a crusade to free Ukrainians while jailing white Britons for their opinions. Jailing tweets and freeing radicals—what a time to be British! The Left's multicultural messiah—but white Briton patriots wonder why they didn’t make the cut. Some suggest he could be the apt person to direct UK’s most dystopian ongoing reality show, brought to you by the Ministry of Harmony "BRITISH BETRAYAL: The Harmonious Decline—Surrendering Sovereignty, one cultural appeasement, one horror scandal swept under the rug, one cathedral compromise, one special court ribbon-cutting, one favored housing project, and one free speech arrest at a time.". With such dedication to compromise, some joke he could be a future Nobel Peace Prize nominee, courtesy of the "Peaceful brotherhood" - for his unwavering commitment to Britain’s peaceful surrender, without firing a single bullet. After all, who doesn't want peace?
King Charles III – The Queen is dead. Long live the King. Leader of the KINO club & a symbol of Britain’s most awkward royal reset. His crown shines dim while woke tides rise high. Desperate to stay relevant in a Woke Britain where much of its men lost their manhood and barely resemble any masculinity, Charles now treats knighthoods like participation trophies in the culture wars — knighting virtue-signalers, multicultural mascots, & Britain-bashers in posh suits like he’s handing out loyalty cards at a coffee shop. Don’t be surprised if his next royal decree is to rename Buckingham Palace as ‘The Diversity Dome’ — where betraying Britain isn’t treason, it’s trendy. Inherited a monarchy in transition but lost the narrative to the royal reality show: ‘The Exiled Prince and the Hollywood Drama Queen’. Rumor has it, he’s penning a parental self-help book: "How to stop your Entitled Royal Son from falling far a Title-Less Hollywood Siren".
Klaus Schwab – The Architect of the Great Reset & Chairman of the Globalist Puppet Show. Some call him the Mastermind Behind the Curtain, pulling the strings of presidents, prime ministers, and tech billionaires—all while never facing a single election himself. The Unelected Emperor of the World, they say, dictating policies no citizen voted for, yet governments seem to obey. Some accuse him as an apostle of Fear & Control, turning pandemics, climate catastrophes, and economic collapses into golden opportunities for more surveillance, more government control, and less freedom. The Right calls him the Climate Prophet, who travels by private jet while promising you’ll “own nothing, eat bugs, and be happy”—while he dines on steak in Davos. Some say he’s the Puppeteer of Political Chaos, expertly turning liberals against conservatives. The Shadow CEO of the Leftist Agenda, critics argue, pushing open borders, mass surveillance, and the slow erosion of national sovereignty and the destruction of the nuclear family—all under the banner of “equity,” “progress,” and “equality.” Star director of the never ending & ongoing reality blockbuster show: 'How to fc*k everybody without touching anybody'.
Larry Ellison - The Database Don. If data is the new oil, his database is the new soil to grow it. Founder of Oracle who turned boring rows and columns into sexy billion-dollar treasures. A Silicon Valley bad boy who never quite fit into the nerdy billionaire club—more yachts, more jets but fewer hoodies. Elon Musk’s spiritual uncle and proud owner of half of Hawaii. Now, with one eye still on enterprise servers and the other gazing curiously at TikTok’s silly dances, he's shifting from serious data mining to decoding Gen Z's thirst traps — turning viral trends into viral profits. Riding the AI wave like a seasoned sailor, Ellison’s plotting to blend business logic with lip-sync chaos — after all, what’s a better algorithm than one that turns likes into billions? But will TikTok’s gatekeepers—Trump, China, and its boardroom battleground—let him through the doors? For now, all we can do is sit back see. Aging like fine wine, with a taste for vintage software and limited-edition girlfriends — always younger, always exclusive, and just like Oracle, constantly upgraded. Billionaire Maverick → More yachts than Zuckerberg, more attitude than Bezos, but fewer kids than Musk.
Lula da Silva – Brazil's President and Bolsonaro's burden. The Lefts' Latin American hero and conservatives' blasphemous commie. The Unelected King of the Amazon who swears to save the forests — unless, of course, China, the WEF, or some "special interests" flash the right price tag. His green vows bend when cash calls the tune. On the world stage, Flexing his BRICS credentials like a nightclub bouncer pretending to be a diplomat — cozying up to Putin, Xi, and anyone else willing to bankroll his ideological fever dream. His foreign policy? Whatever sells better in Beijing than Brasília. From prison cell to presidential palace, Lula somehow manages to keep his throne. Back home, while his economy staggers and crime soars, his administration somehow finds time to take down Bolsonaro by drowning him with timely needed legal warfares and court battles—courtesy of a little help from his not-so-justice pal, Alexandre de Moraes, conveniently clearing Lula’s path for an unchecked rule. Buckle up, folks. This soap opera has it all: power, prison, protests, and plot twists so wild, even Netflix couldn’t script this shit.
Marine Le Pen – Yeah, we know—she’s been sentenced to prison. But that just made her even more influential. The EU wanted her out, the establishment cheered, but all they did was turn her into France’s biggest political martyr. France’s right-wing queen and Brussels’ biggest headache. Hated by the woke elite, feared by immigrants, and worshipped by boomers in berets. WEF’s worst nightmare and the EU’s least favorite. Knocked down, written off, meme’d into oblivion—but still standing, still scheming, and still one crisis away from making France great again—or setting it on fire. Flanked by her poster boy protégé, Magic Mike Jordan Bardella, she’s ready to turn French politics into a full-blown street fight. Macron’s croissants vs. Marine’s guillotines—if the wobbly government crumbles, expect chaos. Sentenced, banned, and might be back with a vengeance—this time swapping Nazi baggage for nationalist martyr. Banned from the ballot but not from the battle, and if she can’t walk through the front door, best believe the gates will swing open for the one carrying her banner. And we bet this shit’s gonna be more dramatic than a Cannes Film Festival scandal.
Mark Carney – Canada's accidental Prime Minister and Justin Trudeau’s ideological stunt double, disguised as the commoner’s brother, with just enough British banker polish to make bad ideas sound expensive. More of a London banker than a Canadian leader, drifting between boardrooms and Parliament with less meaningful contributions and more fear-mongering bravado. A Wall Street soul in a liberal shell. He’s what happens when a banker binge-watches too many Trudeau speeches and decides he, too, can bankrupt a country while smiling, pushing immigration expansions and climate crusades with the same reckless abandon. If Trudeau’s book, "How to Screw an Entire Country with Just One Carbon Tax Bill", left Canada shivering in its carbon-taxed misery, brace yourself for Carney’s upcoming sequel: "You Have No Idea What’s Coming and nether do I knowwhere i'm going" Carney says he wants to 'serve Canadians'—hope he doesn't to serve them on a platter to his globalist friends. "Whispers say Carney’s little black book has some curious entries too—a name that might’ve shown up one too many times in Lolita Express flight logs. But hey, maybe he was just calculating carbon offsets for Epstein’s private jet fleet. Called for a snap election, he’s betting big on Trump’s silly attacks to fuel his political tricks—hoping they’ll distract from his elite globalist links, cover up his lack of public service stints, and sell Trudeau’s failed economic plans with a fresh coat of paint. But will The Moose fall for his adulterated booze? That, we’ll only know just before the MAY-flower blooms.
Mark Zuckerberg - CEO of Meta. Mastermind of social media, addicting us to our screens with one scroll at a time & turning our lives into data points with one privacy scandal at a time. Tried upgrading humanity from "likes" to "life inside a headset," only to find out that nobody wanted to live in his overpriced digital ghost town. But old habits die hard—so now, he's pivoting from trapping our souls in VR headsets to slipping them behind AI-powered sunglasses. The goal? Same addiction, sleeker frame. He's coding our future while we’re still scrolling through the past— all while reminding us to Save it, Savour it, and if you Like it, share it. He controls a digital empire where your aunt’s cat videos and your uncle’s conspiracy theories fight for screen space — and somehow, both make him richer. Now leading the AI gold rush, training chatbots to be our therapists, assistants, and best friends—selling you the illusion of connection while isolating you from the real ones and making sure we never escape the algorithm but just evolve inside it. The man’s so deep in the matrix, he’s practically a glitch in human form. If you ever feel like your phone’s reading your mind, don't worry — it’s just Zuck testing his next update.
Michelle Obama: Barack’s Signature Move and America’s Forever Lady of Grievance. Democrats' on-contract star performer and full-time in-house complainer. Co-founder & lifetime gold member of the ‘Victimhood Club’—a community of professional victims in tailored suits. Director of the ongoing American reality TV show: “UNGREATFUL FOREVER: The Art of Criticizing a Country While Thriving in It.” Don Lemon’s secret crush and the media’s most celebrated advocate of moral lectures from million-dollar mansions. Proud author of:"How to Lecture Commoners to Share One Pie out of their two pies while Keeping Your Million-Dollar Bakery Untouched." Her greatest hits include starring in the psychodrama: 'Becoming Hateful' When she's not rewriting history with victimhood monologues, she's busy convincing America that privilege is evil — unless your last name is Obama. Balancing activism with mansion-hopping on Martha’s Vineyard while preaching equity. Wagging fingers at hard-working Americans while counting her Netflix millions. Oppressed" her way into the White House, "marginalized" herself into millions, and "victimized" herself into a Netflix deal. The struggle is real—just not for her. The undisputed Queen of Guilt-Trips—forever crying oppression oppression oppression from her ivory tower throne.
Mohammed bin Salman – Saudi Crown Prince. Middle East maestro and meteor. Vision 2030 architect, turning deserts into Disneyland while unsuccessfully competing with Ali Khamenei in keeping a firm grip on the human rights violation leaderboard. A modernizer with a medieval twist—Tesla investments by day, tales of disappearing dissenters by night. Part Silicon Valley visionary, part Game of Thrones warlord. Redefining monarchy one silenced journalist at a time, and currently ghostwriting: How to Balance Beheadings with Blockchain. Rumor has it, his next project involves merging his kingdom with the metaverse—where avatars have more freedom than citizens. The man prints and spends cash faster than oil wells can gush—proving that in Saudi Arabia, black gold still trumps Silicon Valley code and if need be, can even buy their sold-out souls. Headlines love him, critics fear him, and investors can’t resist him. A ‘rogue pariah’ when convenient, a ‘respected partner’ when his investments and checks flow in—so-called democratic leaders’ favorite contradiction in a keffiyeh. Just goes to prove that all sins are forgiven when the cheques keep flowing in.
Mukesh Ambani – Asia’s richest man & India’s Invisible ruler. Digital Don and King of Hospitality, hosting the most extravagant wedding ever witnessed—no wonder Jio prices spiked right after! Author of dalal street best seller: "Innovation is a Bitch. Acquisition is the Switch". Becoming a nightmare to global brands with his localmare. Of late showing middle finger to "Make in India" and shaking five fingers with "Made in China". With his media empire shaping headlines faster than Jio's 5G rollout, he’s turned primetime news into his real-time company promotions and profitable narratives. A Top business man always playing the bottom price game. On an acquisition spree, from billion-dollar companies to barber shops. Don’t be surprised if your local chicken shop is next on the list. If Mukesh invites you to a party, check your wallet. You might be the next acquisition. Mukesh doesn’t do business, he does absorption. If you own a shop, enjoy it—until Jio opens one next door. In Ambani’s world, if it sells, he owns it — and if it doesn’t, give him a week.
Narendra Modi - PM of India & the undisputed Selfie King, making sure India is in center of the global picture. Loved & loathed in equal measure. Holds the rare distinction of three consecutive victories in the world’s largest democracy. Yes Three straight election wins, and did it so with zero press conferences—who needs biased presstitutes when you have a billion fans? More over Modi doesn’t even answer questions; he just trends past them like a trendsetter. India’s global phenomena but Time Magazine’s Divider-In-Chief. Lefts’ longest-running horror show & the Right-wing’s rockstar. Director of Indian political Campaign Thriller: "Make In India' using only China Parts" He’s done it all, from selling tea to trading politicians. When he’s not busy trading, he's out there visiting world leaders like a a true diplomat and collecting them with a quick selfie like Pokémon cards — gotta shake ‘em all! .A degree in ‘Entire Political Science’? Of course—because regular 'political science' wasn’t enough for a man directly dispatched by God from above to serve the lesser mortals below.
Pope Francis - Spiritual leader and the world’s richest landlord, Selected by fellow landlords to serve the landless and the lost peasants. Graciously preaching to the world for benevolent borderless boundaries - from the safety of his fully fortified fortress. Lately, he’s become the LGBTQ+ community’s unexpected or (predictable? :) rainbow saint, blessing progressives with vibes even the apostles might be side-eyeing from the afterlife—while Judas smirks from the tree. Rumor has it the Pope’s flashiest decor & symbols gives a cheeky wink to pagan party gods — or maybe folks just went too hard on the Sunday holy wine and spicing up their Monday gossip. "Father, please don't forgive this Truepoll's lost Soul of an Ass', for he knows exactly what he is writing about, NotSoLuke 23:34."
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan – Turkey’s self-declared Sultan, part-time Caliph, and full-time drama king. A walking contradiction—Defender of Palestine by day, backdoor dealmaker with Israel by night. Sympathetic to Hamas for their Palestinian cause, yet ever-pragmatic when it comes to political maneuvering. Runs Turkey like a family soap opera—dramatic speeches, endless plot twists, and a palace so massive even Saudi princes feel underdressed when they visit. The EU’s permanent migraine and NATO’s awkward ‘plus one.’ Author of How to Keep the West Guessing & the East Applauding. Whether he’s jailing critics, converting cathedrals into mosques, or crafting fiery speeches for the masses—Erdoğan still somehow sells democracy with a dictator’s discount.
Sam Altman - AI Wizard and Co-Creator of ChatGPT, the AI that sent Google searching for its own answers. While you’re busy chatting with ChatGPT, he’s busy joining hands with Microsoft & plotting how to charge you more for it or discussing how todonate single bullet cases to the needy. Author of Silicon Valley bestseller: 'How to Raise Millions for a Supposed NGO to Save Humanity, Kick Everyone Out, Turn it For-Profit, and Keep the Equity.' Director of a future world Where AI handles your work, your thoughts, and your bank account… all under one premium plan, while Microsoft quietly counts the coins — and his monthly net worth climbs by millions while yours shrinks by $20. We say, “Why waste years sharpening your brain, when you can rent one for a measly $20 a pint — plain. Let it do the thinking so you don’t have to, making dumbness the new bliss — and ignorance the new gain." Sam is basically giving you artificial intelligence so you can finally stop using your own. Let that sink in, you gullible ones
Satya Nadella – Head of the Operating Systems Mafia, quietly running every operation of your digital life, one Windows update at a time. The silent architect of Microsoft’s empire, turning a sleeping tech giant into an unstoppable monopoly shrine. The man who made "Restart Now or Later?" feel like a life-or-death ultimatum. Quietly cornering the market with OpenAI’s brilliance and Microsoft’s billions — ensuring your PC works just enough to keep you paying. Now building AI clouds that know your thoughts before you do and stuffing servers with enough chips to power a digital surveillance state — all while convincing you it’s innovation. Champion of progress — or just the newest overlord of our digital lives, turning your computer into a coin slot machine one update at a time?
Sundar Pichai - The mild-mannered maestro of Google’s grand schemes. Privacy preacher by day, data hoarder by night — your clicks, quirks, and secret pics are his currency. Crafting a world where even your deepest thoughts come with targeted ads. The bad-ass buddy of Silicon Valley, spinning AI gold with humanity’s data hoard, all while tightening the web’s invisible hold. Mastermind behind a world where your phone knows you better than your nosy mom and your search history reveals more than your genetics. The man who turned ‘Don’t be evil’ into ‘Don’t get caught.’" → From moral philosophy to plausible deniability. The old motto was cute; the new one is profitable.” Busy perfecting an algorithm that predicts your thoughts — so you won’t have to bother with them. Crafting a bestseller: ‘How to Cash In on Human Curiosity and the Lazy Craving for Instant Answers — All Without Breaking the Bro Code.’ Sundar smiles, you scroll. You think you're using Google—until you realize Google is using you.
"Taylor Swift – The It Girl and a nightmare dressed like a daycare, turning every failed relationship into a Grammy-worthy revenge anthem. Boosting local economies better than a stimulus package — and doing it in heels. Beloved by fans, feared by exes. Always eagerly waiting for her next weekend mistake so she can leave them breathless. One orchestrated heartbreak away from her next chart-topping hit. Some call her a lyrical genius; others wonder if she’s just a breakup opportunist. Woke warrior by day, corporate darling by night. Delusioned by adoring fans who’d follow her off a cliff, hoping they’d flip the elections — only to be illuminated by cold, hard metrics, realizing they were just there hoping she’d drop a deluxe edition on the way down. Either way, she's rewriting the rules—and maybe her next diss track."
Tim Cook – CEO of Apple and the most powerful and Influential gay in the world. A prominent advocate for LGBTQ+ rights, intertwining his corporate leadership with social activism. Author of "How to Turn Chinese Sweatshops into Your Sweet Shops." A staunch opponent of ‘Right to Repair,’ masterfully re-branding the same fruit year after year and making sure you take the bait with a partial moon shaped bite, and once you do - you are fu*cking doomed — locked in his walled garden, paying a premium to survive the paradise he sold you. Preaching privacy while tracking your every swipe — crafting an illusion of premium and security for the disillusioned sheep who just follow the butcher. A gatekeeper who squeezes 30% from app developers like a digital mob boss, spinning a monopoly as a “secure ecosystem.” His greatest masterpiece? Convincing millions that paying $1,000 for minor upgrades makes them smarter — and thus making sure his flock of sheep faithfully line up for more. With China’s market share in decline, he’s now on a mission to cook India’s sheep.
Ursula von der Leyen – Germany's export that nobody asked for. President of the European Commission and Europe's architect of cultural self-destruction. The globalists’ loyal steward and the nationalist’s worst nightmare, blending progressive ideals with authoritarian undertones. Preaching unity while deepening divisions — from botched vaccine deals to fueling an energy crisis that left Europeans shivering in their own homes. Champion of censorship disguised as “misinformation control,” ensuring free speech stays on a tighter leash than Brussels' budget. More obsessed with climate quotas than cultural survival — proving you can go green while turning Europe's borders into revolving doors, welcoming chaos with a smile as long as it checks the right ideological boxes. Proudly outsourcing Europe's stability while penning her next masterpiece: "How to Trade Your Own Civilization for a Globalist Utopia."
Vladimir Putin — Russia’s President & The West’s favorite boogeyman & their go-to villain. Russia’s strongman savior and NATO’s never-ending nuisance. Ukraine’s nightmare, China’s frenemy with benefits, India’s BFF, Africa’s sugar daddy, but Europe's least favorite ex. Building a BRIC(K)S fortress with ironclad intent, countering the West with calculated tenacity. A master strategist — and occasional magician — who can make people disappear — often permanently — or keep his critics silent, sometimes six feet under. The man who swapped Cold War tactics for hot war headlines — rewriting borders like scribbles on a cocktail napkin. The Left's dick/tator draped in democracy, and the Right's guardian of sovereignty — fighting climate quotas like they’re NATO sanctions and waging war on woke ideals like they’re invading his borders. The Conservatives lifeline and the left and liberals hate sign.The only world leader who treats the LGBTQ agenda, carbon footprints, and pronoun debates like they’re Western propaganda — proving that in Putin's Russia, even "climate change fears" freeze in the cold.
olodymyr Zelenskyy - Ukraine's president and as some call, America’s sugar baby during Biden's term, and could soon be the world’s richest comedian, provided his current business model holds up (assuming he hasn’t already hit that punchline!). To some, he’s Ukraine’s fearless leader, a wartime hero rallying global support. Some see him as a master of wartime PR, turning green T-shirts and somber speeches into billions in aid. Others wonder if he’s Hollywood’s newest leading man—starring in the longest-running political drama, complete with Vogue covers and standing ovations. Critics argue that while his soldiers face missiles, Zelenskyy faces cameras, mastering the art of global fundraising faster than Congress can print money. Supporters, however, praise his ability to keep Ukraine in the spotlight, ensuring the world doesn’t forget the fight. Some skeptics question whether Ukraine’s war effort has become a blockbuster production—where fallen soldiers serve as tragic backdrops for another round of fundraising, with war profiteers cashing in.. And some wonder what happens if Trump takes his time, leaving Zelenskyy without a new dime—But somes aynot to worry. GoFundMe would go gaga to have him as CEO. Currently convincing EU about putin's forthcoming expiry so he can resume his funding story. But we all hope the war ends soon and saves them all.
Xi Jinping - Dictator of China & Manager of the W.H.O. Wannabe world emperor and CEO of Debt Trap Inc. — lending billions to poor countries and turning them into natural resource ATMs for China, all wrapped under the banner of a 'win-win' deal proposal — where China wins twice. The Uighur Muslims’ nightmare and ironically the Arab nations darling. Mastermind of a strategy quietly teaching young Westerners to hate their own nations with a solid assistance from the useful in-house idiots — funding universities, media, and institutions to push narratives that weaken the West from within. Always sneaking in to redraw neighboring boundaries like a tantrum kid with a crayon, while treating the W.H.O., U.N., ICC, and World Bank like his subsidiary startups — eager to raise quick funding and push Beijing’s playbook under the guise of global cooperation. The man who turned surveillance into an art form, censorship into a science, and propaganda into pop culture — ensuring loyalty starts young and lasts for life. And rest assured, he's not going anywhere — because in Xi’s China, term limits are just a Western fairytale.
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